I Promised Myself
by Orwhatwehave
Summary: Here I go again. I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today. A secret love to outlast time itself. Marauder Era SBLE
1. Fooled the Moon

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_Here I go again- I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today- _Savage Garden

SIRIUS

Dawn

Astronomy Tower

A cool hand reached out to cup his cheek. He turned away.

"Don't do this to me." He had meant to sound calm and collected, but his voice rasped with desperation. "Why do you do this to me?"

The smile that had briefly graced her lips faded abruptly as she cast her eyes to the ground. "You know exactly why."

"Can't you stay just a moment longer? Share the time with me. Please?"

Her eyes had begun to well up with tears; she held his gaze, trying to communicate the emotion she felt. "You know I can't."

"What time is it? You haven't been here that long, surely?"

"It's almost dawn." It was true- the sun was peeking over the horizon already. The once dark sky was now tinged with a peach hue.

He had to accept that she was leaving him again. He would see her tomorrow. He could wait. He could wait for years if he had to. He would wait. No matter how hard it was for him to bear.

"And what if something happens to you? I couldn't-" She cut him off, capturing his lips with his. He responded eagerly, arms tightly encircling her waist, but he knew what the kiss meant. They were not to speak of that which they were not sure of. Nobody knew of their relationship as of yet, and hope dictated that nobody would know for a very long time.

Sirius knew she had to leave, but that wouldn't change how hard it was. It would mean death for either of them if someone found out. She had to return to the Tower, as did he. They would be looked for in the morning, and James would suspect that something was amiss.

He broke the kiss, keeping his eyes closed. "Lily- I..." He opened his eyes to find that the Astronomy Tower was empty. He was alone. She had left him once again.

He looked out across the ground, still savouring the kiss that they had shared just moments before. Daybreak had crept up on them once again, and the sun was shining its bright light across the dew-sparkling lawns, speckled with bright wildflowers.

He wiped a sweaty palm over his tired brow. The lack of sleep was all very well, given the presence he shared with his Lilyflower, especially seeing as though when they were together he felt rejuvenated. However, it was starting to take its toll. He could not keep the charade up forever; the sight of _them_ together during the day made him sick with jealousy.

Footsteps sounded below. Some early-rising Ravenclaws were off to breakfast. Sirius had three choices: to join them, to go back to bed, or to remain here for the entirety of the day until she returned to his arms.

Though the latter sounded the most enticing, he knew he must face the world today, as he did every day. As for the first, Sirius Black was not known for waking before classes started. As he did every day, he snuck quietly back to his dormitory to try to attain some sleep.

Upon arriving at the top of the stairs, he hesitated by the doorframe, staring in at the sleeping forms of his three best friends. His eyes lingered for longer than usual on the covered hulk of James, and he allowed colour to rise to his cheeks in anger.

It was because of James that he had little sleep. Because of James that Sirius and Lily had little privacy. Because of James that they had to meet in secret. Because of James that they would be truly together, and that Sirius would forever doubt Lily's love for him.

It was hard to bank on your love's fidelity when you saw them constantly with another man, regardless of whether you knew there was good reason for it.

A loud snore brought Sirius back to the present, and he stepped forward with a jolt, before realising it was simply a result of Peter's various dreams. He padded silently across the floor (he wasn't called Padfoot for nothing) and crept under his covers for another morning of fitful, dreamless sleep.

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_I'm alone in this world, and a fucked up world it is too- _U2

LILY

Breakfast time

Girl's Dormitories

"Lils! Lils! Wake up! Charms is in fifteen minutes!"

Lily turned in her sleep. Annoying voices were there to be ignored, were they not? And she _hated _the name Lils. Her name was just four letters; where was the point in further shortening it?

"Lils! James and Sirius will be there..."

With that she sat bolt upright. How did Beck know about Sirius? Had something leaked out? She rolled out of bed, keeping her head low as she traipsed off to the bathroom. How could she possibly be aware of their relationship?

As hot water flooded over her body, Lily began to calm down. Beck had said 'James _and_ Sirius', not just James. Clearly her friend had thought that Lily would be excited to see her boyfriend, and had thrown the name of her own crush in there as well.

Oh well, Lily thought as she got out and wrapped a towel around her body. At least my secret's still safe.

It hurt her to know that she was keeping something so enormous from the best friend to whom she told everything. Then again, it was all to keep up the charade. After all, James was Beck's cousin, and surely one of the first she would tell if she guessed that something was amiss. Added to that was the fact that Beck was a stickler for gossip, and that once she knew something juicy, the whole school would know, regardless of whether it was supposed to be a close-kept secret or not.

She slipped on her robes, tying her hair up into a simple messy bun. As much as she would have loved to look good for Sirius, she had to keep on pretending. Besides, this was the way James liked it best, and _he_ was the one she was believed to be pleasing.

She went out to meet Beck. "How do I look?"

"Ravishing. James will love ya, hun."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Lily mumbled.

"What was that?" Sometimes Beck was _too_ cheerful for Lily's taste. Lately, every moment seemed to be one of those times.

"Nothing," she replied, putting on a bright, not entirely fake smile. After all, she had kept this false identity up for a year and a half and it was still not wearing thin- why not keep going?

Together they went down to meet the boys. Unsurprisingly, Sirius was there too, wearing an equally bright smile, his eyes sparkling at her. She grinned at him- she could never grow tired of his heart-melting smile, and he was looking _very_ good today. As always.

She was expected to greet James in a more than friendly manner. Steeling herself, she turned to him, planting a soft kiss on his cheek and whispering seductively in his ear. "I missed you."

He smiled and turned to kiss her on the corner of her mouth. She fought back a grimace. Just pretend he's Sirius, she thought. Pretend he's Sirius and it will all be fine.

Lily took his hand in hers and led him out of the portrait hole, Beck and a slightly soured Sirius following behind them.

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_The way you fooled the moon-_ Unjust

BECK

Lunchtime

Great Hall

She glanced at him from across the table. He was laughing at something Lily had said, his eyes shining with the sheen they always seemed to produce around her. It was clear that he loved her.

She sighed. His love, too, seemed to be unrequited. If only he could turn his thoughts to her, then both couples would be happily paired with those that loved them.

The jealousy of Lily that seemed to swamp her whenever she saw him looking at her like that smothered her. It wasn't fair that Lily should be so in love with James, and he with her, when she had another man loving her as well.

Sirius was too good for Lily. Sirius was too good for anybody. He was so handsome, so charming, so funny. He was perfect in every way. Too perfect for Lily, or his friends. Too perfect even for Rebecca herself.

She asked him to pass her the salad, blushing furiously when his hand brushed hers, and raising her eyes to meet his gaze invitingly. But he had already turned his attention back to Lily, oblivious of Beck's attempts at gaining his attention.

Why could he not see that he was made for her, and she for him. Both felt like third wheels in the presence of the forever snuggling Lily and James, though for different reasons. Both were excellent at flying, and the top of their game on the Quidditch team. For that matter, both were Beaters. Both hated Bertie Bott's jellybeans, because both had a slight fear of taking dangerous risks for such a small prize as a delicious tasting lolly.

Of course, he didn't –nor would he ever- know of her knowledge of these things. If he knew, he might consider her his stalker, or worse. With good reason.

She stared back up at him, but once again he was enraptured by something that Lily was saying. How could James not see the obvious? It was clear that his best friend was head over heels for his girl, and yet he ignored it. Oh well, she thought wisely. Love can make anyone blind.

Unable to take his affections for the other girl, she pushed away her plate and her chair, standing up abruptly. Lily's questioning gaze followed her all the way out the Great Hall, but it was _his_ eyes that were on her mind all the way up to Gryffindor Tower. When she collapsed into tears on her bed, it was his smiling lips that she was thinking of, and as she cried herself to sleep- a nap that would cause her to skip potions, much to an angry Slughorn's disapproval- it was his face that haunted her dreams.

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Until next time, luvs, review...

Bree


	2. Somebody You'd Known

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_Tears stream down your face, and I promise you will learn from my mistakes- _Coldplay

LILY

Breakfast

The saucepan is all but empty. Still, I stir away, pretending that breakfast is on its way. How I'll manage to divide this into five, I have no idea.

Beck pulls at my trouser leg. Her constant whining has taken on a whole new level, and is pitched an entire octave higher than before. I don't blame her; she's hungry. We're all hungry.

The stove is losing heat- we're running out of gas. I reach over to the bench beside me, searching for my wand.

Behind me, I hear a snap; I turn briskly to stare into the mischievous green eyes of Sirius. He's holding the fragments in his tiny hands.

Gently I reach out to pry them from his grasp, smiling at him in return and hoisting him up onto my hip as I turn back to my cooking, hiding my face. I fear that my wet eyes will give me away.

And then it hits me. I'm alone. I glance at my surroundings. The room itself is far too small, the walls thin and worn. Over in the corner sleep Tristan and Cassie- seen only as a pile of dirty blankets. A now quiet Beck plays silently with my bare feet.

The food won't last much longer.

Tristan stirs and wakes, walking over to me to give me a hug. He's grown to my shoulder now; he gets the height from his father. And his perception is more than plenty men twenty years his senior. I should know.

I think he, more than any of the children, feels the loss of Sirius most acutely. Bless him; he tries his hardest to replace him. But a nine-year-old can only handle so much responsibility.

I wonder what I possibly did to get to here. Just ten short, sweet years ago I was still in school; my greatest problem hiding my lover from my Death Eater boyfriend.

Now I cower, Lily Black, twenty seven, widow and mother of four, wanted by the most dangerous and powerful man in the country, was reduced to this ghost of a woman, unable even to provide for her own children.

The tears which previously threatened to make an appearance come spilling out. Beck breaks out into fresh sobs, too, and Tristan wordlessly takes Sirius from my grip, placing him in the high chair at the table.

Cassie, too, wakes and brings the food from the griddle to be served. Beck eyes it with hungry eyes.

So does Tristan, but he glances up at me, sadness written all over his face. The unspoken words make my heart ache.

There isn't enough for us all.

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_I have to believe that when things are bad I ca__n change them- _Cinderella Man

TRISTAN

Breakfast

Kris is so hungry- she devours the little piece of dough as though it's her last meal. For all we know, it could be.

If only there was a way to trick her into taking my share, eating my food. She needs it more than I do, and her happiness will make Mum stop crying so much. I wish I could just make her feel like it's all going to be all right.

Maybe Dad had that power, but I don't and never will. Nevertheless, an idea strikes me. Kris' plate is now empty, but her eyes still hold that greedy stare. I can help her.

"Y'know Kris, m'girl, I had an awful funny dream last night," I begin. She turns to contemplate me patiently. "I was eating this delicious feast. There were roast potatoes and lamb and pork with applesauce, and I went back for seconds- I just ate more and more and more until I was completely stuffed.

"I ate everything there was to eat, all except for the mint humbugs." I eye Mum at this point, and my heart rises- she's suppressing a laugh. Kris, on the other hand, is almost drooling with delight.

"And then, when all the food was gone, dessert appeared. There was treacle tart and jelly and apple pie and ice-cream and all other things that are so good to eat. And I was full to bursting by the time I woke up."

I push my chair away from the table, and take my untouched plate back to the cupboard. "So you see, m'girl, I really can't eat a single bite more. Do you want to help me out there?"

Kristen's nodding so hard I'm surprised her head doesn't fall off. I thank her and quietly slide my own share of the food onto her plate, watching as she gulps it down. Cassie, always the perfect twin, follows my lead, sliding her part onto little Sirius' plate before cutting it up and spoon feeding it to him, pretending it's a flying broomstick.

I glance once more at Mum. She too is standing up, keen to give her food away. Gently I put my hand on her shoulder and, without any vigour, push her back into her chair, glaring.

Resignedly she takes up her fork and forces herself to finish it. I can hear her sigh.

Still, I wish I could do more. I cannot leave the room- if I do, he'll find us, but I wish I could perform wandless magic and Summon more food.

But I'm completely useless. I don't have the magic skills even to do that. Besides, I'm cursed with the Trace. They'll find where we are if I used it.

If only there were some way I could bring back my father.

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_Now should you expect to see something that you hadn't seen__ i__n somebody you'd known since you were sixteen_- Augie March

JAMES

Godric's Hollow

"You told me they'd be here! You told me this was where they lived!"

I can't recognize this whimpering woman as the schoolgirl I once knew. I don't wish to- she means nothing to me. She is weak.

"They- they did... before you killed him, my Lord. That put them on their guard... per-perhaps they're in hiding."

The room darkens, and my voice is like thunder. She _will_ feel my wrath.

"Foolish girl! Did you not think I had thought of that! You lead me to the wrong place! You insult my intelligence! Give me one reason why you should not die."

"I..."

Her voice is muffled by mine.

"Avada Kedavra!"

And with that, Rebecca's life fled her body, her corpse remaining unmarked as a shell of her former self.

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Sorry about the length and updates, or lack thereof. Deepest apologies about the flash forward, too. This story is not told in chronological order, as you may have guessed. The next chapter will be naught but fluff and quick in coming, I promise.

Also, most of Tristan's POV was taken from _Cinderella Man_, a fantastic movie that I reccomend to you all.

Thirdly, the quotes I'm using aren't from out of the blue. I dearly love each of their sources (excepting savage garden, but I like the lyrics) and if you Google the quote you'll find the whole songs...

REVIEW


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